It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.