VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)
Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.
Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
Help a bro out
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Is there a pollen countess?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.