@not_delicate

(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?

Me:

Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz

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@TheToddWilliams

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@reallifemommy3

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

@fuzzlime

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@TheOnion

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.