@ladybroseph
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
@not_delicate
(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)
Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.
Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?
Me:
Her: hello?
Me: Zzzzzz
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@ladybroseph
@mrtruthandsoul
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
@rachelaxler
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
@SamuelHLowe
– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.
@LindaInDisguise
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
@TwoSapphiresBlu
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
@jake_likes_naps
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
GF: OMG!
Me: Babe?
GF: Yes?
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]
@JohnJSalomone
I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought
@SashaBrenner
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
@FeelingMervis
HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
2) Repeat.