@TheToddWilliams
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
@not_delicate
(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)
Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.
Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?
Me:
Her: hello?
Me: Zzzzzz
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@TheToddWilliams
@CandyEmpires
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
@grayson_coble
Help a bro out
@reallifemommy3
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
@cerberustic
Is there a pollen countess?
@fuzzlime
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
@MyNameIsArchaic
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
@lacybronze1
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
@LizzieEMB
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
@TheOnion
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
