@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]

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@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

@JaIenSkutt

good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory

@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@malt_skull

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.