If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I have two kinds of followers
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.