<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
😩😩😩
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I really had high hopes for this year though
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”