[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me