I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
$3 #books
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.