DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I love art.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Happy Star Wars day!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun