[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican


If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.


[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”


ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]


I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.


So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient


Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.


I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second