As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Just how popey was the pope today?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.