[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.