Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
H: where did you move after your divorce?
I moved on.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work