[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please