At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
And then there were 4
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat