I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Holy moly
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Sounds about right! 💯
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