@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

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@brittwastaken

Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@ProdigyNelson

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@MrSkinnyGenes

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@moooooog35

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.