Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.