[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.


teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever


Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god


The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.


[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that


did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip


Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror


A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.