[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You Might Also Like
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
(Gaming support cat.)
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance