[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Namaste
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap