nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.