The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*
Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.