*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

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The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.


Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too


Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…


No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.


Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school


Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!


sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes


9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.