I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
me adding lol on a serious message
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Perfection.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters