I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.