Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*serious situation*
My brain:
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
You had me at “define legal”.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*