At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*serious situation*
My brain:
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.