[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
welcome back
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.