[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?