[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.


bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]


If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.


THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.


I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken


Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.


Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.