Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Today I have been sober for 100 days.
Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.