And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]
So when I was backpacking through Europe,
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.