@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

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@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@dubiousgenius

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

@BGH70

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@3sunzzz

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

@pilau

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@280Jokes

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

@ThisLocalHater

[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]

So when I was backpacking through Europe,

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.