[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.


[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time


Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.



WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee


Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.


“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.