@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

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@DannyZuker

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

@meganamram

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

@SteelFontana

When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@AmishPornStar1

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

@AGStr8upNinja

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

@SadieSkyNinja

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

That awkward when you read that wrong too.

And said ‘moment’ after awkward.

This is awkward.

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@SinCityChiGirl

If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?