@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

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@wesjohnson8

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”

@iwearaonesie

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@squirrel74wkgn

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

@HenpeckedHal

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

@abuya_henry

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.

@mrjumd

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

@KnownComment

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@SteussieErica

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.