*throws in the towel*
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?
Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Walking 500 miles:
-no real purpose
-kind of weird
Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)