Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
not seeing the problem
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?