[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway

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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate


In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.


Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.


My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.