@KissabiX

[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway

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@junejuly12

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@fro_vo

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@2tickytacky

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@JediGigi

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.