[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I am crying
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Breaking news:
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”