[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!