[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.