(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

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5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.


Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.


My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”


People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I’m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.


I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!


Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”


878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”