[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.