At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Meanwhile in Portland…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?