At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Does beer think about me too?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
adding to the discourse
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
happy mother’s day❤️
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!