[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You Might Also Like
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.