[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!