@sarcasm_inc

*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

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@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@Xoolun

I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@Marlebean

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

@JustDontBugMe

Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
*5mins later*
Me: I need a new room.