[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me checking my bank balance online.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Tastes like chicken.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If snakes were wide
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did