banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
So that’s what we looked like?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.