@heelyfanaccount

[at a party]

him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl

me: what no lol who told u that

him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel

me: ello govna

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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.

@Love_bug1016

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@WillSaysStuff

I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.

@xLiserx

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

@mrsmith196645

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@Everette

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

@daemonic3

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

@HPJArt

youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine