@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

- @BraandoCommando

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@LlamaInaTux

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

@robotrowboat

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

@RxitWounds

OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@TheMichaelRock

Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.

@MrDaveGibson

In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp