Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
This is a bad sign
🤣🤣🤣
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Facebook Twitter
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie