*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.