@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

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@brotherslop

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@decentbirthday

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

@caseytduncan

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

@Brampersandon_

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

@stevevsninjas

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV