[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’


Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.


Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?


*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.


Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV