[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
War & Peace
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.