Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…