@retweetruby

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

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@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

@Tups13

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@Ygrene

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

@lisaxy424

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

@FunnyBison

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@ThaJawn

*arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?