My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.
*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?