[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”
Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.