*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code