*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!