*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.


My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.


Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.


If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby


[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*


Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!


Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*