@ballerguy
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
@JerpsBerps
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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@ballerguy
@PS_IRuddYou
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
@chrisdowning
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
@Spaziotwat
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
@Mindless4Miles
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
@_ElvishPresley_
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
@daemonic3
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
@MGigger
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
@smerobin
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
@shaztaberry
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do