*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.