@JerpsBerps
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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@GrantTanaka
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
@stephenjmolloy
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
@BuckyIsotope
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
@13gbenita
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
@Pundamentalism
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
@iGreenMonk
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
@joshgondelman
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
@amethystxmatt
turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
@dannyboy7813
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.