@JerpsBerps

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

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@GrantTanaka

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@13gbenita

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@iGreenMonk

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

@joshgondelman

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left

@dannyboy7813

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.