Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do