@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

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@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

@shutupmikeginn

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.