[at the library checking out a book]
[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]
[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.