At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
And now we wait
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Someone just threatened to call me later
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
normalize having existential bread
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping