*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now