*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.